Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging Read online

  And he said, “I’ve always liked you because you’re so sincere.”

  At about two thirty the lads went home and we cleared up the house. Please don’t let Tom tell Robbie about the nuddy-pants incident.

  All us girls snuggled up under duvets in the front room, chatting about everything—boys, makeup . . . lesbians.

  Rosie said, “How do you get to become a lesbian?”

  I said, “Why? Are you going to give it a go?”

  Jas said, “You can’t just give it a go. You can’t just think, Oh, I’ll give being a lesbian ago.”

  Ellen sat up. “A go at what?”

  Jas went a bit red (which is a lot red in anyone else’s language). “Well, have a go at, er, snogging a girl.”

  We all sat up then and went “Erlacck!”

  Rosie said, “Is that what they do, then—snog each other?”

  Jas (the lesbian spokesperson) said a bit smugly, “Of course they do. They have proper sexual wotsits.”

  Rosie said, “How can they have proper sexual wotsits when they haven’t got . . . you know, any proper sexual wotsits.”

  I interrupted, “Jas, how come you know so much about it, anyway?”

  She went ludicrously red. Rosie had got all interested now. “But, I mean, what do they do when they haven’t got proper sexual wotsits?”

  I said to Jas, “Go on, then, Miss Expert Knickers. What do they do in the privacy of their own lesbian love nests?”

  And Jas sort of mumbled something under her duvet. I said, “You don’t know, do you?” and she mumbled again, “Snnubbing.”

  I repeated, ‘Sriubbing. They do snubbing? They snub each other?”

  Jas sat up and said, “No, rubbing.”

  I said “Good night” really quickly and we all went to sleep.

  wednesday june 16th

  6:00 p.m.

  Got a note from Jackie today:

  We are knocking off school this afternoon and going downtown to “get a few things.” We’ll tell you all about the plan at lunch.

  I knew that “getting a few things” meant shoplifting in Jackiespeak. I tried to hide from her at lunchtime but she found me in the loo. I was reading my mag in one of the cubicles—I had my feet off the ground so you couldn’t see there was anyone there but she went into the next-door cubicle and looked over the top of the loo wall.

  She said, “What are you doing?”

  I didn’t look up. I just said, “I’m practicing origami.”

  She said, “Are you ready to go? We’ve got lists of what to get and where we’ll meet later.”

  Suddenly I snapped. I really was sick to death of her and Alison, they didn’t make me laugh or anything, they just kept making me do things I didn’t want to do. I was sick of it. I found myself saying, “I’m not coming and I don’t think you should go either.”

  Jackie was amazed. “Have you become a Christian? I haven’t seen your tambourine. Come on, get your coat and we’ll go over the back fields.”

  I said, “No,” and came out of the cubicle. She followed me and came up close—she is quite big.

  She said, “I think you had better.” Alison was just behind her.

  Then this odd calm voice came out of me. I’d been watching Xena, Warrior Princess and for one stupid moment I thought I was her. I said, “Oh good, I didn’t realize I’d be able to try out my new martial arts skills so soon. If I break anything I apologize in advance. I’ve only practiced on bricks before.”

  Jackie looked a bit puzzled (who wouldn’t?) but she kept coming nearer and suddenly with a yell I grabbed her arm and twisted it right up her back. I don’t know how. But I was doing it for the little people everywhere (I don’t mean dwarfs—I just mean, you know, vulnerable people).

  8:00 p.m.

  Jas phoned. “Everyone is talking about you—it’s brilliant!!”

  8:30 p.m.

  I am cock of the walk. (I don’t know what the girl equivalent of “cock” is . . . surely it can’t be “vagina.” I am vagina of the walk doesn’t have the same ring to it, somehow. . .

  midnight

  Yesssss!!!!

  saturday june 19th

  9:00 a.m.

  The Stiff Dylans are playing at the Market Place. Tom and Jas are going, and all the gang. Shall I?

  11:30 a.m.

  Mum is being ridiculous—she refuses to let me dye my hair blond. I said, “Where would Marilyn Monroe have been if Mrs. Monroe had said, ‘No, Marilyn, you’ll ruin your hair’?”

  Mum threw her slipper at me. Oh great, now she has turned to violence. I may yet ring Esther Rantzen’s childline.

  2:00 p.m.

  Nngut naface musk on, I cnt muv mi face.

  2:30 p.m.

  Blocked the sink with my egg yolk mask.

  4:00 p.m.

  I’m going to start my makeup now.

  4:30 p.m.

  Double merde. I’ll have to start all over again. I’ve stuck the mascara brush in my eye. It’s all watery and red.

  5:30 p.m.

  Lying down with cucumber slices on my eyes to take down the swelling.

  5:50 p.m.

  Libby crept in and ate one of my cucumber slices. It gave me a terrible shock to see her face looming over me when I wasn’t expecting it.

  6:00 p.m.

  Ellen rang. We are meeting outside the Market Place at eight thirty.

  midnight

  What an unbelievably BRILLIANT night. Double cool with knobs. Robbie KISSED me. The Sex God has landed.

  The Stiff Dylans played some great music and Jas, Tom, Leo, Ellen and me worked out these funny dance routines. Lindsay was there, all po faced. Robbie was great in the band. I felt a bit self-conscious about dancing at first but then I began to enjoy myself. I showed Tom and Jas a little routine I had made up in my bedroom—and then it was like in a film because everyone—loads of people—started copying it and joining in.

  I was a bit out of breath at the end and hot, so when the band took a break I went outside the back door. There was this sort of patio area. As I was standing there Robbie came out. I felt really awkward and was going to go back in when he put his arm on mine and said, “Can I just speak to you for a minute, Georgia?”

  I said, “Yes, fine. . . .” He looked a bit embarrassed so I said, “Look, if it’s about Jas and Tom I’m sorry that you were angry with me. I think he’s really nice and Jas likes him a lot.”

  Robbie said, “Well, I’m glad, but it’s not that. I’ve just been meaning to give you this.” Then he kissed me!!! I went completely jelloid—it was like being part girl, part jellyfish. It was megabrilliant. Twenty out of ten—type kissing. I got all that stuff you’re supposed to have—fireworks wooshing in your head, bands playing, sea crashing in and out. . . . I don’t know how long it went on for, I was so faint.

  Eventually he said, “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time, but I know it’s wrong.”

  I could hardly speak—it came out all mad. “Ng ng—’s OK, not wrong, no wrong, ngng ng—l mean it’s, I, what I, you and, always, even when I ng.” He looked at me as if I was talking a foreign language. But I wasn’t, I was just talking rubbish.

  Then one of the lads in the band came out and Robbie sort of leaped away from me like a leaping thing. Then he went back in, saying to me, “OK, so Georgia, will you pass that on to Tom? See you later.”

  “See you later?” What does that mean? Here we go again!!! I told Jas and she said, “What’s going to happen now? Are you his bit on the side? What does he mean, ‘See you later’? Does he mean see you later or see you later?” I had to stick my hand over her mouth to shut her up. When Robbie took the stage again I had to stop myself gazing at him like an idiot. He was so gorgeous and he had kissed me!!

  When the gig was over Robbie passed by me and said, “I’ll call you.” Then he went over to Lindsay. She put her arms round his neck and I couldn’t watch anymore.

  When will he call me?

  Angus was in my bed when I got home,
and Libby. I had to sleep in a sort of S-shape with my feet hanging out of the bed. But I don’t care!!!!

  tuesday june 22nd

  5:10 p.m.

  I don’t know if it’s me or the weather but I am so hot all the time.

  No call for three days.

  wednesday june 23rd

  11:00 p.m.

  No call today.

  thursday june 24th

  6:00 p.m.

  Phoned Jas.

  “He’s not called yet.”

  Jas said, “Look, leave it with me, I’ll try to find out something from Tom.”

  “Will you do it subtly though, Jas?”

  She said, “What do you take me for? I know what’s subtle.”

  And I said, “Well, I’m sorry, but I feel a bit sensitive and I don’t want anyone to know about it until I know what is going on myself.”

  She said, “Look, relax, my middle name is ‘cool.”’ I said, “Is it? I thought it was Pollyanna.”

  She said, “Well, it is, my mum liked the film, but that’s not what I mean—and anyway, you said you’d never mention that I told you that.”

  I said, “OK, but just remember to be subtle, all right?”

  She said, “Of course. Hang on a minute.” Then I heard her yelling up the stairs, “Mum, will you ask Tom to come down here!”

  I heard a bit of faraway noise then Jas’s mum yelling from upstairs, “Tom says what do you want? He has just set up the computer and can’t come away at the moment.”

  Then I heard Jas yell back, “Well, will you say that Robbie kissed Georgia and said he would call her later and he hasn’t called her yet. Does he know anything about it?”

  I couldn’t believe my ears and it got worse because Jas’s mum joined in, “Robbie kissed Georgie—but he’s going out with Lindsay, isn’t he?”

  Jas yelled back, “Yes, but he’s confused.”

  Then I heard Tom yelling down, “What kind of kiss was it?” and Jas said, “I think it was a six.”

  I REALLY WANTED TO KILL HER.

  “Jas, Jas, SHUT UP!!!”

  friday june 25th

  1:00 p.m.

  Lindsay came up to me at lunch break. She’s so wet close up; she’s got really blinky blue watery eyes like a blue-eyed bat. Anyway, old blinky said, ‘‘I’ve heard what happened on Saturday.”

  I went a bit pale. “You’ve heard what?” I played for time.

  “I heard that you have been going after my boyfriend.”

  How dare she suggest that I would do such a thing!! I went red and said, “What idiot has been saying that?”

  Lindsay glared at me. “Robbie told me.” I couldn’t take it in. She went on, “He told me how you followed him at the break and then you just flung yourself on him. He said he was sorry for you but also very embarrassed.”

  I spluttered, I couldn’t speak. She went on, “So I’m giving you a warning—don’t be so sad. You’re a silly little girl; don’t let it happen again.” I couldn’t help thinking of the Ancient Egyptians—they used to put long-handled spoons up people’s noses and scoop their brains out. Of course, the people were dead first but in Lindsay’s case there was hardly any difference between alive and dead. I was going to get some spoons and poke them up her beastly, sticky-up nose.

  6:00 p.m.

  Jas is going to gang up on Lindsay with me. I said to her, “Do you think Robbie really said I was sad and I flung myself on him?”

  Jas was a real pal. “No, no, of course not er... you didn’t, did you?”

  6:30 p.m.

  Oh why this? Why would he be such a pig as to say that? Oh I hate him, I hate him.

  midnight

  I hate him, I hate him.

  12:30 a.m.

  Oh I love him, I love him.

  july

  the sex god has landed

  thursday july 1st

  canteen

  1:00 p.m.

  Lindsay put her coffee cup down while she went to get her bag and I spat in it (the coffee cup, not her bag—although I will spit in her bag if I get the chance). I hate her.

  Jackie and Alison get on my nerves even more now they have decided to be my friends. Jackie bought me a bar of chocolate today. It will be an apple, next. It’s a pathetic world when twisting someone’s arm up their back gets them buying you things.

  4:00 p.m.

  I’m so angry with Robbie. I want to tell him what I think about him but I have too much pride.

  4:30 p.m.

  Phoned Robbie at home (I got the number from Jas). He answered the phone but I just slammed down the receiver. (And I had done one-four-one as well, hahahahaha.)

  4:45 p.m.

  Phoned Robbie.

  He answered and I said, “Robbie, it’s Georgia.”

  He sort of breathed out and then he said, “Er . . . I can’t really find that science paper you asked me about, Mike, can I call you later? Thanks. ‘Bye.”

  4:50 p.m.

  Phoned Jas. “What does he mean by calling me Mike?”

  Jas said, “Well, I suppose Lindsay must have been there.”

  5:30 p.m.

  In bed with the curtains closed.

  5:45 p.m.

  Mum came into my room.

  She said, “Do you want to talk about anything?”

  I said, “Yes, suicide.”

  She said, “It can’t be as bad as that.”

  I said, “Well it is; it’s worse. I don’t want to be here anymore, I hate school, I hate England.”

  She said, “Well, do you think that maybe a summer trip to New Zealand might cheer you up? We could go over to Disneyland on the way.”

  I said, “I don’t care what I do.”

  6:30 p.m.

  So this is what men are like. Well, that’s it, then—I am going to be a lesbian.

  7:00 p.m.

  I got out some photos of Denise Van Outen and tried to imagine kissing her.

  7:05 p.m.

  I can’t do it.

  7:10 p.m.

  I’ll have to be a nun, then.

  8:00 p.m.

  It’s no use, if I pull all my hair back like a nun, it makes my nose look huge. Still, I don’t suppose that matters when you are only saving poor people and making soup for them, like nuns do.

  9:00 p.m.

  The phone rang for me. I said to Mum, “Who is it?” and she said, “I don’t know, it’s a boy.”

  9:30 p.m.

  Robbie is going to meet me tomorrow after school at my house. He was in a phone box and said that he couldn’t really explain; he’d talk tomorrow. If he thinks he can “explain” this away he’s very much mistaken. I have got some pride. I’ve got a lot to say to him about his “explanation!!!”

  9:45 p.m.

  What shall I wear? Maybe I won’t go to school tomorrow to give myself time to get made up in a natural way.

  friday july 2nd

  8:05 am.

  Said good-bye to Mum and Libbs and went as normal to Jas’s. She was waiting for me on the corner. I said, “I’m not coming to school today, I’m meeting Robbie. Will you say that I have got the painters in very badly? Thanks.”

  Then I went back home. I waited until Mum and Libbs left and then I slipped back into the house.

  Day plan:

  (1) Steam face.

  (2) Apply face mask.

  (3) Sort out clothes to wear.

  (4) Tidy bedroom (well, put everything on the floor and push under the bed).

  (5) Put some interesting books near my bed (hide comics and boy mags).

  (6) Remove nuddy-pants poster of Reeves and Mortimer.

  (7) Make sure Libby has not peed or pooed in any secret corner.

  11:00 a.m.

  In my room tidying when I heard the front door open. If it was a burglar I only had Mum’s tweezers to defend myself with. Where was Angus when you needed him? I hadn’t seen the mad furry thing for hours.

  11:02 a.m.

  Not burglars, it’s something much worse . . . it’s Mum.
And she’s not alone! She has Jem the decorator with her. Oh fabulous, my mum is having an affair with a builder. Also she is older than him—also I already have a dad, who is bad enough, but better the dad you know than the builder you don’t. They went into the living room so I crept downstairs to see if I could hear what was going on. I put my ear against the door but I couldn’t quite hear. I pressed my ear quite hard up against the keyhole. I heard Jem say, “This is the door that sticks. I’m going to . . .” and that’s when he opened the door and I crashed into the room.

  noon

  In bed. I had to pretend that I had fainted. I lay still on the floor until Mum put something disgusting (smelling salts) under my nose. I thought my head was going to come off. I sort of pretended that I was all confused and that I had felt ill on the way to school.

  Mum made me come to bed with an aspirin. Soon after, I heard the door slam. Mum came up. “Er—I just took an hour off to discuss the final details about the living room with Jem.”

  I said, “He’s taken about a hundred years to decorate one room. Libby thinks he is our new dad.”

  Mum laughed. “Don’t be so silly, why would you think she thought that?”