Away Laughing on a Fast Camel Read online

  The tune was Rolf Harris’s “Two Little Boys,” the naffest record known to humanity. Ohmygiddygod what should I do? I kept up the head waggling and I was raising my eyebrows up and down to pull my eyelashes apart. I bet that looked attractive. I thought I’d better do some humming. I started humming along to the tune.

  Masimo said, “Would you like to have a drink?”

  Hummmmmmm hummmmmmm…

  “No thanks, non grazie, I must groove to this one.”

  I must get away. I turned and head-wobbled off. I couldn’t see a thing obviously, so to stop myself from crashing into anything I put my hands out in front of me, but then I thought that would look odd so I tried to fit it into my dancing. I put one hand out in front and waved the other above my head like disco dancing. I knew the loos were sort of to my right and if I could just get there I could rip my boy entrancers off.

  My “grooving” arm banged into something soft and someone said, “Oy, mind my basoomas, you cream-faced loon!”

  It was Rosie, thank God. I said to her, “Rosie, lead me to the loos.”

  She said, “Clear off, you lezzie.”

  I was still madly flinging my arms around. Hopefully Masimo would think it was the eccentric English way of having a good time. Either that or he would be phoning for the emergency services.

  I said to Rosie, “My boy entrancers have stuck together. I can’t open my eyes. Do something.”

  She said, “Quick, put your hands on my shoulders and we’ll conga dance over to the loos.”

  “Rosie, I don’t think that’s a very good—”

  Before I knew it, she had forced my hands onto her shoulders and we were doing the conga. Fifty-five million years later I broke free from the conga line—once we had started doing it, the whole club had joined in. I yelled at Rosie to stop and take me to the loos, but she was having too much of a laugh. I got my hand to my eyes and tried to pry the lashes apart, and that is when one of them fell off in my hand—the boy entrancer I mean, not my eye.

  I could see! I could see! I ran into the loos and ripped off the other one.

  11:30 p.m.

  I took a big breath and went into the club again. He had said I was lovely, and that Robbie had lost his brains to have left me. Which I think is a plus.

  Tom and Jas were snugged up in a corner talking and the rest of the so-called sheepdogs were all smooching with lads. That’s when I saw Masimo. He was talking to Wet Lindsay, she had her stupid head really close to his.

  in bed

  1:00 a.m.

  Raining.

  Thundering.

  Lightning.

  Triple merde.

  And a half.

  1:05 a.m.

  This is my unbelievable life, I am home in bed on Saturday. And my parents aren’t even in yet.

  How cruel is life.

  If I had a Yorkshire accent and ate cow nipples, I would be an exact facsimile of Emily Brontë. I’ve probably contracted consumption by being out in the wind and rain.

  Good.

  1:30 a.m.

  Ohhhh.

  What a crap night.

  I didn’t see Masimo again except onstage and he ignored me. I looked at him and I’m sure he saw me but he didn’t smile or anything. Jas and Tom left early; so much for her strict four minutes and thirty seconds rule. At the end of the gig it was pouring down. Fabulous. Rosie, Jools, Ellen and I hovered about near the door waiting for the rain to ease off a bit. For once in my entire life I would have been glad to see Legalet drive up in the Robinmobile.

  In fact as an ace gang we were quite literally hoisted by our own petards (which can be quite painful). Every single one of us had said that someone else’s dad was definitely going to pick us up.

  In the end we made a mad dash for a big tree across from the Phoenix and we were planning what our next shelter would be when we saw Dom and the rest of the band come out and load up the van. It was raining so hard it was splashing up from the ground. Masimo wasn’t anywhere around.

  Then Wet Lindsay came out in her stupid leather coat with a stupid umbrella. All by herself, even deserted by her saddo mates. Teehee. I said to the gang, “Oh how thrice pathetico, she has to wait for her vati!!! Hahahaha.”

  Ellen said, “Still, she hasn’t got two gallons of water down her neck like I have.”

  I said, “Look, she’s all shuffly. I bet her thong is killing her. I hope so.”

  I was just thinking that we could button our coats together and make a sort of tent over our heads when I heard a scooter revving up.

  And Masimo appeared on his cool scooter with his parka on. I had a heart lurch. Then he pulled up to say good-night to the rest of the lads. And then—and I can hardly bring myself to think about this—Wet Lindsay got on the back of his scooter. I thought he would kind of shove her off, but he didn’t, he took her umbrella and held it over her whilst she put on a spare helmet, then he tucked the umbrella away and they motored off.

  Rosie said, “Bugger me.”

  I got absolutely soaked on the way home but I didn’t even notice. I was wet inside.

  1:40 a.m.

  Mutti and Vati are back, going “ShhhhhhSSSSSSHHHHH” really loudly. They’ve brought Libby and Gordy with them.

  1:45 a.m

  At last they are quiet and have gone into their bedroom.

  1:48 a.m.

  Vati has just farted “God save our gracious queen” and Mutti and he are apoplectic with laughter. Mutti stopped for a bit and then Vati said, “Now for verse two.” And they started laughing again.

  They are sad.

  But at least they have each other. I haven’t even got my little sister in bed with me. I have no one who loves me.

  And I never will have.

  I really like him.

  Once more in my bed of pain, crying.

  2:01 a.m.

  I think I must have cried myself to sleep, because the next thing I knew I got a big soggy cat bottom in my face. I opened my eyes to find four eyes staring back at me. Well, three eyes looking at me actually, and one was looking at the wardrobe…Angus and Gordy are absolutely soaking. They are doing shivering and cat sneezing. I said, “Go away into your baskets AT ONCE.”

  Angus rolled over and started rubbing himself dry on my duvet. At first Gordy attacked Angus in between sneezing and then he started wiggling and diving into my duvet and burrowing under it near me. Urgh. I fished him out and lifted him up until we were eyeballs to eyeball and said, “Gordon, you are a very very bad kittykat—go into your kittykat basket.”

  And he did that half-wit cat thing, he just let the tip of his tongue loll out of his mouth and left it there. Looking at me with the tip of his tongue sticking out.

  Why do they do that?

  Once they had both got nice and dry, they started scampering and crashing around in the dark in my room.

  I put my head under the pillow.

  sunday april 24th

  I went for a long moody walk across the fields. I didn’t want to be in to answer questions about last night. I didn’t even want to talk to my mates.

  That is really it for me now, I have endured too much heartbreakiosity for one lifetime. I am going to concentrate on getting good exam results and then maybe going off to the Congo (wherever that is) as a doctor to help sick people.

  Even though sick people get on my nerves. I am at Dr. Clooney’s on Tuesday, so I may pick up a few hints about not letting moaning minnies get on my nerves. Surely there are no Mr. Next Doors in the Congo?

  I am sooooo depressed.

  4:30 p.m.

  About eighty messages from Jas. I suppose I should phone her.

  5:00 p.m.

  “Jas, it’s me.”

  “Hi, Georgia. Tom told me how weird you were with Masimo. I thought you really rated him.”

  “I do.”

  “Well, why did you just go off waggling your head to a Rolf Harris song?”

  Before I could explain, she started her famous rambling.


  “Tom and I have come to an agreement, we’re going to swap rings—when Tom goes off to Kiwi-a-gogo our rings will mean that we will stay true to each other until he comes back.”

  I didn’t have the energy to stop her raving on.

  “Also as he says, it is a great opportunity to collect loads of data and stuff that he can bring back and that we could, you know…look at.”

  Old Rambley knickers is back then. I think I preferred her when she was all upset and clinging round my neck.

  Still, at least someone is happy.

  I said to her, “You know, after you left, Masimo took Wet Lindsay home on his scooter.”

  Even Jas paid attention then.

  “Non.”

  “Oui.”

  “Georgia, that is très très merde. Why did he do that?”

  “I really don’t know, boys are a bloody mystery to me.”

  Jas said, “Shall I ask Tom to find out? He’s a boy.”

  “I don’t know, Jas, I don’t want any more pain and…”

  “Well, if I just casually ask him and don’t make a big deal about it.”

  “Well, I suppose if it was a little secret…”

  Then I heard her going, “TOM!! TOM!! GEORGIA WANTS TO KNOW WHY MASIMO WENT OFF WITH WET LINDSAY LAST NIGHT.”

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. I tried to get her to shut up. Then I heard her mum shouting from somewhere, “Jas? I thought that you said that Georgia liked Masimo. Why has he gone off with Lindsay?”

  Jas said, “I don’t know. That’s why I asked Tom.”

  Jas’s mum shouted, “What do you think, Tom?”

  When Jas’s dad joined in the conversation I put the phone down.

  9:30 p.m.

  Ring on the doorbell. Oh now what? Everyone is at grandad’s. It might be kitty trouble, because I don’t know where the furry psychopath twins are (Angus and Gordy).

  I could just ignore the bell. No one would know anyone was in.

  Except all the lights are on.

  Oh God, if it is the cat vigilante group bringing the lads home on an assault charge, I’ll go ballisticisimus, if I have the energy.

  It can’t be anything to do with the furry hooligans, because they are in the lavatory drinking out of the lavatory bowl. Erlack.

  Opened the door in my jimmyjams, which I put on for comfort; they are a bit like Jas’s knickers on the large and shapeless front, but who cares, nobody is going to see me in them.

  Crikey!!! Dave the Laugh. He leant against the door. “Hi gorgeous, blimey, HUGE pajamas.”

  I went into the goldfish routine. “I…well…I…”

  He said, “Can I come in? I bring you tidings of great joy, and it’s not even Christmas.”

  I said, “Er, well…come in and er put the kettle on…”

  “Do you think it will suit me?”

  I dashed upstairs when Dave went into the kitchen and I did a rapid lip gloss, blusher, mascara fandango and pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt. No time for nunga-nunga holders, I would just have to move very slowly with my arms crossed. Pant pant. I went into the kitchen.

  Dave was wrestling with Gordy on the kitchen floor and when he stood up Gordy was attached to his sleeve and just dangled there, like a tiny ginger loon, which he is.

  “Speaking as your Horn advisor, I’ve come to tell you I’ve just seen Masimo.”

  I went even more lurgified. Gordy crashed to the floor.

  I managed to stutter, “Did, he say…was he, did he, was I…you know.”

  “I still say he’s flash, but anyway, what in the name of arse made you walk off on Saturday? He thought you were very up yourself.”

  I said, “My boy entrancers got stuck together and then one fell off.”

  Dave said, “Your boy entrancers stuck together and then one fell off.” And he was looking at my nungas to see if I still had two.

  I said, “No, no, I mean my false eyelashes. First of all, I looked down and they got glued together and I was blind. So I sort of shuffled off to the music to try and unglue them, and then one fell off, so I had to go to the tarts’ wardrobe.”

  Dave said, “Tarts’ wardrobe?”

  “Loos.”

  Dave said with sort of admirationosity in his voice, “Outstanding”

  midnight

  As my official Horn advisor, Dave says I must be friendly and smiley but play hard to get and not give up if I really like Masimo. Dave also said that because Masimo is so flash and Italian, even if he does quite rate me—even after the Rolf Harris fiasco—that will not stop him falling for flattery from other girls. Even Wet Lindsay. Dave also said that Masimo does not know anyone in town or any history, so he wouldn’t know that Lindsay was wet and a worm and a thong wearer.

  12:10 a.m.

  Anyone would know that Lindsay was wet and a worm; just look at her legs for God’s sake.

  Anyway, if he falls for old knobbly knees, why should I want him? Mind you, the ex-Sex God went out with her for a bit. Hmmm.

  Dave says that boys fall for that useless obvious stuff because they have boy insecuriosity different from girl insecuriosity. It’s because they are knob centered, allegedly. Although I think that Dave just likes to talk dirty.

  1:00 a.m.

  Dave says you can’t drop hints with boys because they don’t get it.

  1:10 a.m.

  In my How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love with You it says,

  1. You can never flatter boys too much; they will never know you are being ironic.

  2. Never use hints with boys because they don’t get it; you have to ask for what you want.

  It is vair vair tiring, this boy bananas.

  2:00 a.m.

  Also why does my Horn advisor always snog me?

  2:05 a.m.

  More to the point, why do I always snog him?

  I suppose in the Land of Cosmic Horn everything is fair.

  monday april 25th

  german

  Tried out my flattery technique on the dithering champion for the German nation. Herr Kamyer was wearing a pair of tartan socks, clearly visible beneath his shin-length leisure slacks. He was telling us about his riveting childhood in the Bavarian Alps. His childhood mostly consisted of camping and clapping games interspersed with two tons of sausages. And the volk of Lederhosen land wonder why they have a reputation for total crapness.

  At the end of the lesson I went up to Herr Kamyer as he was packing up his books; I startled him a bit by coming up quietly behind him and there was a minor ditherspaz incident. As he was picking his books up from the floor, I said, “That was really sehr interestink, Herr Kamyer, and may I compliment you on your attractive socks.”

  To my absolute amazement, he said, “Ach, thank you very much, Georgia. Der socks are from my mother and are a personal favorite of mine. I also have a matching tie.”

  I said, “Oh, I’d love to see that.”

  Herr Kamyer adjusted his glasses. “Vell, I vill wear it to show you.”

  I said, “That would be marv.”

  He went off all smiley and twitchy. Surely it can’t be this easy. It must be because I have chosen quite literally a soft option.

  break

  knicker toaster headquarters

  I told Rosie and Jools my news and the advice from Horn Headquarters (Dave the Laugh).

  Rosie said, “I believe Dave, but Herr Kamyer is not really a bloke, is he? He is a German teacher. I bet you can’t make it work on Elvis.”

  lunchtime

  The ultimate test.

  Elvis Attwood, the grumpiest bonkerist man in the universe.

  Rosie and Jools insisted on being witnesses to what they said would be an abysmal failure. They hid behind the Science block loos.

  Elvis was as usual prodding around (ooer) pretending to do gardening. It is, as we all know, just a perving tactic so that he can try and see girls in their sports knickers. He should become a gym mistress, he easily could. If he grew his hair and wore a gym skirt, he would be Miss St
amp’s double.

  I approached Elvis casually.

  “Afternoon, Mr. Attwood. I’m sorry to hear that you will be leaving us.” (I could hear Rosie practically exploding behind the loos.)

  Mr. Attwood looked up with that incredibly attractive grimace he keeps especially for me. I gave him a beaming smile, letting my nostrils flow free and wild for once.

  He said, “What do you want? Have you been messing around in the Science block? I found a drawing that was supposed to be me on the blackboard.”

  I said, “Oh, that’s nice.”

  He said, “No it is not bloody nice, it was disgusting.”

  I said, “Was it the one of you in the nuddypants with an enormous pipe?”

  He said, “Yes, that’s it.”

  I said, “No, I haven’t seen that one.”

  He grumbled on. “It’s a scandal the way you lot carry on, call yourselves young ladies. In my day you would have had your ears boxed.”

  I said, “Well, I agree with you, Mr. Attwood. I think discipline has gone right out of the window. I mentioned it to Miss Heaton in detention but she wasn’t interested. Do you know that in the Isle of Man they still beat people with twigs if they do wrong.”

  He drew himself up to his full height (two and a half feet). “Yes well, it would make you think twice if you got some twigs across your derriere instead of all this talking.”

  I said, “Yes, I do so agree talking is crap, Mr. Attwood, ’scuse my language. I have often said in R.E. I would rather be beaten by twigs, but you can’t tell people, can you?”

  Mr. Attwood looked a bit puzzled at the turn of events.

  I said, “I don’t know if you know this, but us girls all sort of look to you for a firm lead, Mr. Attwood. I know you think we mess about, but actually we have a deep respect for you. You are a sort of father figure and naturally we rebel a bit, but at the end of the day we respect you.”