It's OK, I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers! Read online

  Mum didn’t even look up from trying to fasten Libby into her dungarees. Libby had her porridge bowl on her head. Mum said, “OK, love, bye. Kiss your sister bye-bye.”

  I said, “Pass,” I had kissed Libby before when she had been eating porridge and I didn’t want the experience again. I blew her a kiss. “Byeeeeee!”

  Phew. Now then, quickly out of the door. Victory!!!!! I’ve packed all my clubwear and make-up and so on in my rucky. Here we go with Operation Elastic Band.

  Just at the end of the path when Mum came out of the house, shouting, “Georgie, what do you mean, ‘See you tomorrow night’?”

  OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod.

  I laughed casually (sounding a bit like a casual hyena). “Oh I knew you would forget, I’m staying at Jas’s tonight– remember?”

  She looked blank.

  Inwardly I was shouting, “LET ME GO!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP!! I MUST HAVE THE SEX GOD. LET ME GO. LET ME GO. YOU HAVE HAD YOUR LIFE!!!!” Outwardly I said, “Mum, I have to go, I’ll be late– see you tomorrow.”

  Yessss!!! I am cool as le cucumber. Or possibly le ice cube.

  3:50 p.m.

  Last bell. Jas and I ran down the hill. Only five hours to get ready.

  I said to Jas as we ran, “Mutti was really suspicious this morning when I reminded her I was staying at your house. It was like she didn’t believe me. You know, like I am bound to be lying.”

  “You are lying.”

  “Oh picky, picky, Jas.”

  Jas’s house

  5:00 p.m.

  A nourishing meal to set us up for the evening: oven chips, mayonnaise and two fruit Pop-Tarts (for essential vitamin C). In Jas’s room we put on some groovy music and started getting ready. Jas had a bit of a moony attack when she looked at Tom’s photo by her bed. She started sighing and saying, “I just can’t seem to get in the mood to go out.”

  I pointed at her with my mascara brush. “Jas, snap out of it, you know that Hunky would want you to go out. He phoned you up to tell you about it. He wouldn’t want you moping about: he wouldn’t want you to let your mates down by staying in. He wouldn’t want to come home and find out that your mate had stabbed you with a mascara brush.”

  Jas was a bit huffy, but she got my nub. As she was putting her hair up she said, “What will you do with Dave the Laugh when you have got off with him?”

  “How do you mean?”

  I was stalling for time. I’d only really thought as far as getting my make-up on. The rest of it was a bit of a haze of a dream.

  “Well, will you be…like his girlfriend then? Will you snog him?”

  Luckily the phone rang. We both answered it. It was Rosie. She and Sven were calling from a phone box.

  “We just rang to say we’ve made up this great new dance; it’s called ‘the phone box’.”

  She played a radio down the phone and in the background I could hear a lot of grunting and shuffling and Sven going, “Oh jah, Oh jah, hit it, lads!” or something in Swedish or whatever it is he speaks. Gibberish, normally. Not English, anyway. Then there was a bit of what sounded like tap-dancing. Rosie came back on the phone all breathless. “Brilliant, eh? See you in the next world…don’t be late!” And she slammed the phone down.

  9:15 p.m.

  Left the house to catch the bus down town to the Crazy Coconut. I had so much make-up on I could hardly move my face, which is a plus really because it meant I wouldn’t be tempted to go for full-on smiling. I was a vision in black leather. Prayed to God Mutti didn’t go through her wardrobe before I could sneak things back in.

  When the bus arrived and we got on I couldn’t believe it. The driver was Mobile Elvis!! Sadly he remembered us and said “Bonsoir”. And charged us full fare.

  Crazy Coconut

  9:30 p.m.

  Rosie and Sven turned up. Sven was wearing silver flares. Good Lord. When he saw us he started twisting his hips, saying, “Jah, groovy. Let’s go, babies!!!!”

  The whole queue was looking.

  I said to Rosie, “Does Sven always have to be so Svenish?”

  Then the van with The Stiff Dylans in it arrived. Robbie got out. Oh bum, all my glaciosity turned to jelliosity.

  He saw us and said, “Hi.”

  I went, “Nung.” (I don’t know what “nung” means, it just came out.)

  The queue started to move and he sort of looked at me for what seemed ages, then he said, “Don’t get into any trouble.”

  I was so mad. How dare he tell me not to get into any trouble? Now he had said that I was going to get into LOADS of trouble just to show him.

  I’d show him how much maturiosity I had. At least I would if I managed to get in past the bouncers without them saying I was under age. I said quietly to Rosie and Jas and Sven, “Be really cool.”

  That’s when Sven lifted me up under one of his huge Swedish type arms and shouted at the bouncers, “Gut evening, I have the bird in the hand and one in the bushes, thank you!” and strode in.

  I don’t know whether they let us in because we looked mature or whether they were so amazed by Sven they didn’t notice us.

  Anyway, Operation Elastic Band was underway.

  11:00 p.m.

  Us girls went to the loos and did some emergency make-up repair work. It was quite dark and sort of red lightish in the loos. I was just thinking we looked like groovy chicks around town when the Bummer Twins walked in. I say walked but they waddled. Jackie was wearing a dress that was SO tight. Not a wise choice for a girl who is not small in the bottom department. She is so common. They were both smoking fags (quelle surprise). Jackie said, “Oh look, they must be having a sort of creche here while the grown-ups are clubbing.”

  She went off into the loo. I could hear her weeing. It sounded like a carthorse. Alison was looking down her nose at us. I’m surprised she could see anything past the huge spot that was on it. She looked like she’d got two noses.

  The club was amazing. It had loads of flights of stairs all leading down to a big dance floor, and a stage at one end. You had to go down the stairs from the loos to get to the dance floor. I hoped that no one could see up my skirt because I couldn’t remember what knickers I had on. Jas would be all right with her biggest knickers known to humanity.

  There were flashing lights and mirror balls and laser beams. The music was really loud and rocking. Rosie and Sven did their phone box dance. Sven was yelling “Whoop!” and “Hit it, lads!” They had loads of space to dance in because nobody wants to be flattened by a huge bloke in silver trousers.

  Jas shouted in my earlug. “There’s a gang of Tom’s mates by the bar– can you see them? Over there. Dave the Laugh is probably one of them.”

  Jools said, “Yeah, but which one? There’s ten of them to choose from.”

  I said, “Is anyone laughing?”

  Jools looked at me. “Why?”

  “Well, if he’s called Dave the Laugh everyone will be laughing around him.”

  We looked across at the lads who were mostly looking around the room. Then I had another thought. “But what if he is called Dave the Laugh because HE laughs all the time?”

  We looked again; now they were all laughing.

  Jas for once in her life went all decisive and sensible (it was a bit scary, actually). She said, “I recognise one of them, he’s called Rollo, he’s been round to Tom’s house. I could ask him who Dave the Laugh is.”

  I said, “Yeah, OK, but be really cool, Jas. Just find out which one is Dave the Laugh so we can look at him. But don’t mention anything about anything.”

  Jas said, “I am not a fool, you know.”

  I didn’t know that, actually.

  Jas went over to the lads and I could see her going chat, chat, nod, nod, nod, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, flickey fringe, flickey fringe…(Why does she do that? It is so annoying.)

  I was acting really cool, doing a half-smile and sort of nodding along to the music. Sipping my drink, waving at peo
ple, even ones I didn’t know. Then Jas came back. She was all breathless. She POINTED really obviously at a dark-haired boy in black combats. “That’s him!”

  Naturally he saw her pointing at him and he shrugged his shoulders like he was asking a question. Jas then turned to me and POINTED again…AT ME, and nodded like one of those nodding dogs.

  I couldn’t believe it. It was unbelievable, that’s why. My face was like a frozen fish finger. All rigid and pale. (But obviously not with breadcrumbs on it.)

  I said out of the corner of my mouth, “Jas, I’m going to kill you. What in the name of your huge knickers have you said?”

  Jas said huffily, “I just said, ‘Who is Dave the Laugh?’ and Rollo said. This is Dave the Laugh,’ and Dave the Laugh said, ‘Why?’ and I just said, ‘Because my mate Georgia really rates you’.”

  I was going to kill her and then eat her.

  Out of the corner of my mouth– because Dave the Laugh was still looking– I said, “Jas! You told him I FANCIED him? I cannot believe it.”

  Jas said, “Well I think he’s quite cute. If I didn’t have Hunky I would…”

  Just then SG walked by carrying his guitar. On his way to the stage to do the first set. He smiled as he passed. Even though in my heart I wanted to leap into his arms like a seal I ignored him. I looked through him as if he was just a floating guitar in midair.

  Midnight

  The Stiff Dylans were playing and I was dancing with Rosie and Sven and Jas. Jools and Ellen had gone off with some of Tom’s mates. They were all quite fit-looking boys, actually, but…there is only one Sex God on the planet. SG looked sooooo cool; it’s not fair that he is so good-looking. All the girls were looking at him and dancing in front of him. They had no style. Every time he came off stage there would be some girl talking to him. I tried not to look but I couldn’t help it. What if he got off with someone in front of me? How could I bear it? There was a moment when our eyes met and he smiled. Ooohh, Blimey O’Reilly’s trousers, he’d got everything…back, front, hair, teeth…I could feel my snogging muscles all puckering up but I thought NO! Think Elastic Band.

  I made Jas go to the loos with me for a bit of a break from the tension. The Bummer Twins were still in there. I could hear them talking from one of the cubicles and a spiral of smoke coming under the loo door. Do they live in the lavatories? I said to Jas, “Perhaps the Bummer Twins have trouble in the poo-parlour department!!” and we both got the hysterical heebie-jeebies. I had to hit Jas on the back to stop her choking to death. And we had to reapply mascara twice.

  On our way back to the dance floor Dave the laugh stopped me!! He said, “Hi.”

  I said, “Oh hi.” (Brilliant.) And I half-smiled, remembering to keep my nose sucked in.

  He said, “Are you Georgia?”

  1:00 a.m.

  Dave the Laugh is actually nice-looking in a sub SG way…and er…quite a good laugh.

  2:00 a.m.

  Dave the Laugh has been dancing with me a lot. He’s a cool dancer. He even did a bit of mad dancing with Sven. I don’t think he expected Sven to pick him up and kiss him on both cheeks, but he took it well. We all left the club together. I saw SG looking over at us as he cleared up his gear. There was some drippy blonde hanging about wanting his autograph or something (on yeah! Emphasis on the something). Time for a display of maturiosity and glaciosity. Dave the L said, “Georgia, are you walking to the night bus stop?”

  I made sure that SG was looking then I laughed like a loon on loon tablets. “Hahahahaha, the night bus! You make me die, Dave, you’re such a laugh!!!!”

  Dave looked a bit on the amazed side. He probably didn’t think the night bus was his biggest joke. Me and Jas and Dave walked along. When we got to the bus stop there was a bit of an awkward pause. Jas was standing really close by like a goosegog. How was my plan vis-a-vis getting Dave the L to go out with me going to happen if she just hung about like a goosegog? I kept raising my eyebrows at her but she said, “Have you got something in your eye? Let’s have a look.”

  As Mrs Big but Stupid Knickers was prodding about at my eye Dave’s bus came. He gave me a peck on the cheek and said, “Well, this is my bus. It was a great night; maybe see you later.” He looked me in the eyes for a second, winked and then got on the bus.

  As Mrs Loonyknickers Goosegoghead (Jas) and I walked home I was all confused.

  “Does Dave the Laugh like me or not? He winked at me– what does that mean? SG definitely noticed us leaving, didn’t he? And he saw me really laughing at what Dave the Laugh was saying.”

  Jas said, “That’s when I thought Dave the Laugh might have gone off you, because he said, ‘Are you catching the night bus?’ and you nearly split your tights in half laughing. Your face went all weird and your nose sort of spread all over your—”

  “Jas.”

  “What?”

  “Shut up.”

  “Well, I was just saying.”

  “Well don’t.”

  “Well I won’t, then.”

  “Well don’t.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Well don’t.”

  There was a bit of welcome silence for a bit then Jas said, “I won’t.”

  She is so INCREDIBLY annoying.

  3:00 a.m.

  And she takes up loads of room in bed. I had to make a sort of barrier out of her cuddly toys to put down the middle of the bed. To keep her on her own side.

  What does Dave the Laugh mean, “See you later”?

  3:30 a.m.

  Do I want to see him later even if he does mean “See you later”?

  4:00 a.m.

  If the Sex God was really jealous he would ring me up tomorrow and try to get me back.

  Or maybe he is not fully extended elastic band-wise.

  Thursday September 30th

  3:00 p.m.

  I fell asleep in German. Herr Kamyer is a very soothing teacher. I drifted off when he started telling some story about Gretchen and a dove in a dovecote. (Don’t even ask, as I have mentioned before, the Germans are a mystery to me since I learned about the Heimlich manoeuvre.)

  4:30 p.m.

  On the way home we practised our new grasp of the German language.

  I said to Jas, “What is ‘a dove in a dovecote’ in the German type language?”

  Jas said, “Er…‘ein Duff in ein Duffcot’, I think.”

  “Ach gut…so…Jas…Du bist ein Duff in Duffcot nicht wahr?”

  Jas said, “Nein, ich nicht ein Duff in Duffcot.”

  I said, “Jah.”

  Jas said, “You have just said I am a dove in a dovecote.”

  “You are.”

  “You’re bonkers.”

  I think I might be hysterical.

  4:45 p.m.

  So tired when I got in that I thought I would just have a little snooze.

  5:00 p.m.

  “Ginger, ginger, me home!!!”

  Oh Lord, it was my dearly beloved sister. I heard her clattering up the stairs. Then a bit of deep breathing, and bumping, “Here we are, Ginger.”

  Then she and Angus got in bed with me. And they weren’t alone. There was scuba-diving Barbie and Charlie Horse. And something really cold and slimy.

  I shot up in bed and looked down at her. “Libbs, what is that?”

  She gave me her idea of a lovely smile, which in her case is terrifying. She scrunches up her nose and sticks her teeth out. I don’t know why she thinks that is natural. She said, “It’s nice.”

  I looked under the covers. “What is? Oh God.”

  Mum called up, “Libbs, where has your jelly rabbit gone?”

  Giganticus pantibus

  Monday October 4th

  9:30 a.m.

  No news from either SG or Dave the so-called Laugh.

  Geoggers

  10:00 a.m.

  Brrr. It’s only October and it’s like Greenland here. Well, apart from the ice floes and Eskimos and po
lar bears. It is, as Ellen’s amusing brother would say, very “nippy noodles” today. I didn’t mean ever to start saying things like that, but it is really catching. What’s more, just because I said it all the gang is saying it. It’s like brain measles. In geoggers Rosie put up her hand and said to Mrs Franks (who is not what you would call “fun”), “Mrs Franks, could I just pop to the piddly-diddly department, please?”

  Mrs Franks said, really frostily, “What is the piddly-diddly department, Rosemary?”

  And Rosie said, “Well it’s not the poo-parlour division.”

  We all laughed like stuffed animals. Mrs Franks didn’t. In fact she said, “Grow up, Rosemary Barnes.”

  She let Rosie go though, and started to explain something indescribably boring about the wheat belt. Behind her Rosie started lolloping out of the door like an orang-utan. She was trailing her arms on the floor. It made me laugh A LOT. But silently, as no one really wants to do two hours’ detention.

  Break

  11:00 a.m.

  They are a bunch of sadists here. We get forced to go out into sub-Antarctic conditions. Even Elvis Attwood won’t come out of his hut and he is half human, half walrus. Meanwhile the so-called prefects and staff get to hang around in the warm. Wet Lindsay, the Owlie One, said to me, “If you wore skirts that were a bit longer you might not be so chilly.”

  I said to Jas, “Did you hear a sort of hooting noise, Jas?”

  Me and Jas sheltered out of the icy winds behind a wall but we were still cold, so we had an idea. We thought we would button our two coats together to make a kind of big sleeping bag. We fastened the buttons of Jas’s coat into the buttonholes of mine. Then we buttoned the buttons of my coat into Jas’s buttonholes. With us in the middle. All nice and snug. It did make it very difficult to walk and unfortunately we had buttoned ourselves up a bit far away from our bags. Our bags with our nutritious snacks in them (Mars Bars and cheesy snacks). We tried synchronised shuffling to get to them but Jas tripped and we fell over. We were laughing, but not for long, because the Bummer Twins arrived.

  Jackie looked down at us all tied together in our coats and said, “Look, Ali, the little girls are playing a little game. Let’s join in.”

  And then they sat on us.