Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging Read online

  P.S. My so-called pet spat at me when I walked in all upset.

  P.P.S. I have found my sister’s secret used nappy at the bottom of my bed.

  sunday december 13th

  5:00 p.m.

  No sign of Mark, thank goodness. I stayed in reading all day. Mum and Dad are having a night out—they suddenly want to do things together, it’s so unnatural!—so I have to baby-sit Libby. I don’t mind as I never want to go out again.

  6:00 p.m.

  Libby cheered me up by pretending to be Angus. She curled up in his basket and hid behind the curtains, growling. I had to stop her when she started eating his dinner.

  6:15 p.m.

  Jas on the phone. “I’ll never get a boyfriend. I may become a vet.”

  6:20 p.m.

  Jas phoned again. “Do you think I’m really ugly?”

  6:30 p.m.

  Rosie phoned. “I managed to get Sven home before the police arrived. He has given me a bit of holly.”

  I said, “Why?” and she said, “I don’t know, maybe it’s a Danish tradition.”

  7:15 p.m.

  Jools phoned. “Someone said they noticed that Lindsay wears an engagement ring when she’s at school.”

  8:00 p.m.

  Perfect. The doorbell rang but I made Libby be really quiet and pretend we weren’t in. No note or anything.

  Fed up, depressed, hungry.

  9:00 p.m.

  Fed up, depressed, feel sick.

  Had:

  2 Mars bars;

  toast;

  milky coffee;

  Ribena;

  Coke;

  toast;

  cornflakes and

  Pop-Tarts.

  10:00 p.m.

  Going to bed. Hope I never wake up.

  monday december 14th

  8:30 a.m.

  Nearly bumped into Mark on the way to school. Got round the corner just in time, thank goodness.

  9:45 a.m.

  Slim was livid about The Stiff Dylans gig; she was trembling like a loon.

  “I sincerely hope none of my girls were in any way associated with the hooligans who behaved like animals at the dance.”

  Rosie looked up at me and put her teeth in front of her bottom lip like a hamster. I don’t know why, but it really made me laugh so much I thought I would choke. I had to pretend to have a coughing fit and get my hankie out.

  Jas wasn’t in school. I wonder where she is? Maybe she “has the painters in,” if you know what I mean. Rosie was full of Sven this and Sven that. I said, “Is he your boyfriend, then?” and she went a bit red and said, “Look, I don’t think we’re going out or anything. He’s only given me a bit of holly.” But as I said, that could mean anything in Denmark.

  Oh bloody hell, Jackie and Alison, the Bummer twins, are back with a vengeance. They sent a note round saying they want us all to meet by the canteen on Thursday lunch for, as they call it, “the latest.”

  4:30 p.m.

  Note from Mark when I got in from school: Georgia, I looked for you after the other night. Meet me at 10 at the phone box tonight. Mark.

  9:50 p.m.

  If I don’t go I’ll only see him in the street anyway. . . .

  I shouted to M and D (spending time together AGAIN), “I’m just taking Angus out for a walk.”

  Dad yelled, “Don’t let him near that poodle.”

  I had to drag Angus away from Next Door’s; he wants to eat that poodle. He has about four cans of pet food a day as it is. If he gets any bigger Mum says she is going to give him to a zoo, as if they would want him.

  10:00 p.m.

  Mark smoking by the phone box. He didn’t see me coming—hardly surprising as Angus had dragged me behind a hedge, chasing a cat. In the end I tied him to the gatepost. From behind the hedge I could see Mark, and you know when you have one of those moments when you know what you have to do? No, well neither do I . . . but I did think, I must come clean with Mark, it is not fair to him. I decided to say, “Look, Mark, I like you and you mustn’t think it’s you, it’s me really, I just think I could never make you happy, we’re so different. I think it’s best that we stop right here and now before anyone gets hurt.”

  So I went up to him. He was half in the shadows and he threw his cigarette down when he saw me. I opened my mouth to speak and he just kissed me right on the open mouth. What if I had been sucking a Polo mint? I could have choked to death!! Also, he put his tongue in my mouth, which was a bit of a surprise . . . but then he did it again!!! And he put his hand on my breast! What was I supposed to do? I hadn’t gone to breast classes. My arms were sort of hanging by my sides like an orangutan’s when I remembered what whelk boy had said about putting your hands on someone’s waist, so I did that. He had one hand on my breast and one on my bottom. But just when I was thinking, What next? in the hand department, he stopped kissing me.

  Was this a good moment to say he was dumped?

  He said, “Look, Georgia, this is not personal or anything, but er . . . I think you’re too young for me. I’m going back out with Ella because she lets me do things to her. Sorry, see you later.”

  midnight

  See you later? Mark has had the cheek to dump me just as I was about to dump him! I’m never getting up again. Ella lets him do things to her . . . what things? Two hands on her breasts?

  tuesday december 15th

  8:10 a.m.

  I told Mum I was not going to school or, in fact, getting out of bed.

  She said, “Why not?”

  And, against my better judgment, I told her, “I’ve been dumped by someone I didn’t even like. I was going to dump him but I didn’t even get the chance.”

  She sat on my bed. “That is bad. It’s never nice to be dumped. But look at it this way . . . you are in exactly the place you wanted to be—you’re single and free again. And you have ten pounds to spend.”

  I grumbled on, “Yeah, well, you would say that. You don’t know how sensitive I am, and how I really get hurt and it really takes me ages to get over things and . . . What did you say about the tenner?”

  Mad Auntie Kath had come up trumps with a belated birthday present . . . hurrah!!!

  3:30 p.m.

  I didn’t even bother to put makeup on today, it doesn’t matter—I’m not trying to impress boys anymore. No more “See you later” for me. I’m just going to take my time to grow up and concentrate on my work so I can get a good job, and so on.

  4:18 p.m.

  Hell’s bells! Robbie was at the gate . . . probably waiting for his fiancée. I walked by, sort of pretending I hadn’t even noticed he was there. But he spoke to me. “Nice company you keep.”

  I had to stop then. I was livid. I wanted to say something really clever and cutting and witty. Something that would let him know I was someone to be careful with. So I said, “I think you are mistaking me for someone who is interested in what you have to say.” And I walked on.

  5:30 p.m.

  Yessssss!!!! Ha!!! Three times ha and a yessss!!! Double ha with a hyphen!!!!

  10:00 p.m.

  Vati showed me a map of where he is going. Apparently the area has the most violent geothermal activity in the world. Earthquakes and volcanoes and lava shooting out of the earth and geysers and hot-water rivers. It makes you question his sanity (not for the first time). My vati is not even the outdoors type here; he gets exhausted getting out of his chair or grooming his mustache. It will all end in tears . . . his. Mutti is draping herself all over him. It is grotesque. The next thing you know I’ll have another little sister or little brother. Ugh. I don’t even want to think about it.

  wednesday december 16th

  1:30 p.m.

  Jas still not back. I’ll visit her after school.

  4:15 p.m.

  No reply at Jas’s house.

  6:30 p.m.

  Phoned Jas. Her mum said she couldn’t get to the phone as she is not very well. I said, “Is it the flu?” and her mum said, “Well, I don’t know, but she’s no
t eating.”

  Not eating. Jas. Jas not eating. Things are bad. I said, “What, not even Pop-Tarts?” and her mum said, “No.”

  Things are much worse than I thought.

  thursday december 17th

  10:00 a.m.

  Still no Jas. This is getting ridiculous.

  1:30 p.m.

  Jackie and Alison’s “latest thing” turns out to be so bonkers it is not even in the bonkers universe. We all had to go out into the freezing cold at the back of the tennis courts. I was surprised that Jackie knew where they were—I don’t think she’s ever been near the sports area before. Then Jackie told us what it was all about. “OK, this is what you do. You crouch down like this, then you start panting really hard and then you stand up and start running forward.”

  I said, “Why?” and she looked at me and lit a fag. Tarty or what? She had a huge spot on her chin—it looked like a second nose. I’m not surprised her skin is so bad. It’s probably been covered in makeup since she was five.

  She blew the smoke in my lace and said, “When you run forward it makes you faint.”

  Even Rosie, who usually doesn’t say much to Jackie, had to repeat this. “You faint?”

  Jackie drew on her fag like she was dealing with the very, very stupid. She didn’t say anything, so eventually Rosie said, “Then what?”

  Jackie totally lost it, then. “Look, four-eyes, think about how useful it can be to just faint when you want to . . . in assembly—faint, get taken out. In physics, when you haven’t done your homework— faint, get taken out . . . games. . . anything.”

  Rosie is nothing if not stupid, so she kept going on, “Don’t you think someone might notice if we crouched down in assembly or physics and started panting and then ran forward?”

  Jackie walked over to Rosie, and she is quite a big girl. Her breasts are sturdy looking and she’s got big arms.

  11:00 p.m.

  I still feel a bit odd. I’m not going to be doing anything that Jackie and Alison say ever again. That is it. This stupid fainting thing is it. That is it. I did the panting and then stood up and started running and I did feel very faint, but not as faint as when I ran into Mr. Attwood coming out of his hut. I may have broken my shin. Sadly Elvis was OK.

  friday december 18th

  7:30 p.m.

  Jas off all week. I’m worried about her now; she won’t even speak to me on the phone. Even when I pretended I was Santa Claus.

  friday december 25th

  2:00 p.m.

  Happy St. Nicholas’s Day, one and all!!!

  My fun-filled day started at five fifteen A.M. when Libby came in to give me my present, something made out of PIay-Doh that had horrible, suspicious-looking brown bits in it. She said, “Georgie’s baby . . . ahhh,” and tucked it up into bed with me.

  As we are “a bit strapped for cash” as Vati puts it (due to his inability to hold down a job in my opinion, but I didn’t say it in case I spoiled Christmas even more) we could not have expensive presents. Mum and Dad got me CDs and makeup and leggings and trainers and undies and perfume, and I made Dad a lovely mustache holder that I think he will treasure.

  I made Mum some homemade cosmetics out of egg yolks and stuff. She tried on the face mask and it gave her a bit of a rash, but on the whole livened up her complexion.

  I made Libby a fairy costume, which was a big mistake as she spent the rest of the day changing us into things by wacking us with her wand. I had to be a “nice porky piggy” for about an hour. I never want to see a sausage again.

  Jas phoned but still isn’t venturing out—so no escaping “merry” Christmas with the family.

  Angus looked nice in his tinsel crown until it annoyed him and he ate it. When we had our lunch Mum made him a special mouse-shaped lunch in his bowl out of Kattomeat. He ate its head and then sat in it. Heaven knows what goes on in his cat brain.

  I think I may become a New Age person next year and celebrate the winter solstice by leaving my family and going to Stonehenge to dance with Druids. It couldn’t be more boring than watching my dad trying to make his new electric toothbrush work. However, there was a bright moment when he got it tangled up in his mustache.

  saturday december 26th

  noon

  Quel dommage!! M and D have selfishly asked me to baby-sit Libby while they have “a last night out together.” Dad leaves for Whangamata on the 29th . . . sob, sob . . . and so as a brilliant treat he is taking Mum . . . to the pub!! With Uncle Eddie!!

  If I was Mum I would have faked an accident, or if necessary had a real accident. A broken ankle would be a small price to pay to avoid Uncle Eddie’s version of “Aggadoo.”

  11:30 p.m.

  Mum and Dad came crashing in, giggling. They were drunk. I was in bed TRYING to sleep but they have no consideration. I could hear them dancing around to “The Birdy Song.” They are sad.

  Then they crept upstairs saying “Ssshhhh” really loudly. Mum gave a bit of a gasp when she came into my room because Libby was in bed with me but she had gone to sleep upside down so her feet were on the pillow next to me. Mum put her in her own bed, but then horror of horrors DAD RUFFLED MY HAIR. I pretended even harder to be asleep.

  sunday december 27th

  11:00 a.m.

  M and D still in bed. I will take their lovely young daughter Liberty in to them ‘to chat.

  2:00 p.m.

  Going out. Dad’s given me a fiver to take Libby with me.

  tuesday december 29th

  8:00 p.m.

  Vati left today. I must say even I had a bit of a cry. He went off in Uncle Eddie’s sidecar. We all waved him off. He says that he’ll ring when he gets to Whangamata. It takes two days to fly there— imagine that. I suppose it is the other side of the world. Mum is all glum and sniveling, so I bought her some Milk Tray. That made her cry more, so I don’t think I’ll do it again. Libby got her Angus’s bowl to cry into.

  january

  exploding knickers

  friday january 1st

  11:00a.m.

  Resolutions:

  I will be a much nicer person, to people who deserve it.

  I will be interested in my future.

  I will speak nicely to Mr. and Mrs. Next Door.

  I will be less superficial and vain.

  I will concentrate on my positive and not my negative, e.g., I will think less about my nose and more about my quite attractive teeth.

  saturday january 2nd

  11:30 a.m.

  At last! News of Jas. It seems that she might have glandular fever. I’m wearing a scarf over my mouth and nose when I visit her, just in case. Apparently you get glandular fever from kissing. It’s a nightmare, this kissing business—if it’s not a mysterious hand on the breast it’s huge swollen glands. Celibacy or a huge fat neck, that is the stark choice. I wonder if Slim has got big fat feet from too much kissing in the foot area? Uuurgghh, now I feel really sick. I’m far too ill to visit the sick. I must go home to bed.

  No . . . Jas needs me. I’ll just try not to breathe the same air as her.

  4:00 p.m.

  Jas has finally let me see her. She’s all pale and thin, just lying in bed. Her bedroom is tidy, which is a bad sign, and she has turned her mirror to the wall. She didn’t even open her eyes when I came in. I sat on her bed.

  “Jas, what are you doing? What’s the matter? Come on, tell me, your best pal.”

  Silence.

  “Come on, Jas, whatever it is, you can trust me.”

  Silence.

  “I know what it is, you think that just because everyone else besides Nauseating P. Green and Hairy Kate have got boyfriends—or have kissed someone properly—there is something really wrong with you, don’t you?”

  Silence. I was getting a bit irritated. I was trying to help and I had problems of my own. I was practically an orphan, for instance—and a substitute parent. Mum was all “Will you baby-sit Libby?” since Dad had selfishly gone to the other side of the world. What did Jas know of trou
ble? Had she taken her little sister to the swimming pool? No, she didn’t even have a little sister. Had her little sister’s swimming knickers exploded at the top of the toddlers’ water slide? No. Is there ever any point in trying to tell Mum that Libby always has bottom trouble after baked beans? No, there is not. The swimming knickers could not contain Libby’s poo explosion and it was all over the slide and nearby toddlers. Did Jas know what it was to see a pool being cleared of sobbing toddlers, dragged out by their water wings? No. Did she know what it was like to sluice her little sister down and then have to walk the gamut of shame past all the mothers and toddlers and swimming-pool attendants in masks with scrubbing brushes? I think not. I had to take it on the chin like a taking-it-on-the-chin person, so why couldn’t Jas?

  I didn’t say any of this to Jas but I took a tough line. “Come on, Jas, what can be so bad about swollen-up glands?”

  Jas spoke in a quiet voice so I had to bend down to hear her. “I haven’t got swollen-up glands. I don’t think I’ll ever get a boyfriend, no one asked me to dance even. Tom was my only chance and even he preferred his onions.”

  Aha, time for all that stuff I read in Mum’s Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway book. I got Jas’s mirror from the wall and held it in front of her face. “Look into that mirror, Jas, and love the person that you see. Say, ‘I love you.”’